Life Issues

For the past two months, my bible study has been the Beth Moore study-When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. God has used this study to force me to deal with several long term standing issues. Namely I'm learning to how to arm myself against seduction and face the fact the I have fallen into sinful seduction. Satan has used the same trick to get at me for most of my life. I've always asked for forgiveness, but never truly let God deal with the underlying issue. I always thought even though I'd sought forgiveness there was no way that God could truly forgive me and that I needed to prove myself. Deep down I knew this was wrong and could not be done, unfortuantely my mind and heart would never agree. Through my daily lessons I've begun letting God have the whole problem and learning that my desire to "forgive" myself was a mixture of Satan's continued influence over me and the Holy Spirit's way of telling me that God has more He needed/wanted to change. I still have trouble completely letting go of everything. It is not in my nature to easily not be able to control my life and future. Working on graduate applications teaches one that you cannot control anything. The biggest question that Beth asked, and that I continued to ask myself, is Am I happy? Not just outwardly or temporarily happy, but all the time (even at 3am). At this point in my life, I'd have to answer "No."
So questions for everyone to ponder: Are you always happy? What do you really believe about God?